Seeds of Insight 004 - Am I good enough in God's eyes?
Dear You,
Some of our mental constructs seem so old that we can hardly imagine what life would FEEL without them. We may have picked them up in our earliest days, before we even had the ability to describe them in words. And when we step on the mat, sit to meditate or turn towards Peace, we inevitably bring them along.
For me, it is the feeling of not being good enough. Can you relate? I have carried it around like a wet shirt in a thunderstorm that nearly merges with my skin. Am I capable? Am I a good person?
Then much of life is spent testing these hypotheses. We go from one (over)achievement to another in hope to get a never quite certain answer, until exhaustion. Self-doubt may be perceived as humbleness by people around us, but it is a kind of perverted arrogance. The subject of this mental loop is again “me”. Me-me-me. The ego keeps having its perfect pre-occupation, albeit one that doesn’t feel good.
And so I brought my old friend “I’m not good enough” in Satsang. Satsangs are meetings with a holy person, in which one is guided towards Truth, or God, or enlightenment for lack of better words.
Despite glimpses of Truth before I even met my heart’s teacher, a rain of Doubt is still making sure the wet shirt is well stuck to my skin. “I will never be enlightened” old friend says, “I am not good, let alone enough. I’m deficient”. In these moments, the words of Sri Ramana Maharshi cut like a sword through my pile of never-ending sh*t:
Questioner: “How shall I reach the Self?” (Note: here, the Self is capitalised and meant as our True Self, which Ramana described as Reality - a non-personal, all-inclusive awareness, not to be confused with the individual self, which according to him, is a made-up construct of the mind and conceals the real Self)
Sri Ramana Maharshi: “There is no reaching the Self. If Self were to be reached, it would mean that the Self is not here and now and that it is yet to be obtained. What is got afresh will also be lost. So it will be impermanent. What is not permanent is not worth striving for. So I say the Self is not reached. You are the Self, you are already that.
The fact is, you are ignorant of your blissful state. Ignorance supervenes and draws a veil over the Pure Self which is bliss. Attempts are directed only to remove this veil of ignorance which is merely wrong knowledge. The wrong knowledge is the false identification of the Self with the body and mind. This false identification must go, and then the Self alone remains.
Therefore, realisation is for everyone; realisation makes no difference between the aspirants. This very doubt, whether you can realise, and the notion ‘I have not realised’ are themselves the obstacles. Be free from these obstacles also.”
From David Godman’s incredible book, “Be As You Are : The Teachings of Sri Ramana Maharshi”
So fear not, fellow self-doubters. Self-realisation is for everyone. May we stay true to our heart’s desire through rainy days and stuck shirts. May we allow that feeling of deficiency to be. Happy and Blissful Sunday!
With love,
Iri
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Photo by Olya Gorodilina