With Love, Your Self-Doubt
Meet in Silent Truth
Dear Ones,
In this letter you will find:
How to meet the imposter syndrome resourcefully
A call to all women who need some healing and resting time - one final spot left for our October WHOLE retreat in a shared twin room (female participants only).
Our online events MindRest & Space of Grace are back in September - this is an invitation to return to the community for another autumn and winter of regular yoga immersions and sharing circles on Zoom
With Love, Your Self-Doubt
I’ve been writing quite a lot on Instagram lately, using the platform as a blog to answer (to the best of my limited ability) some of your questions. I decided to slowly start sharing them as newsletters and encourage you to ask more. Please email me or message me with topics you would like me to address - your questions are the questions we all have and they serve us all.
Here is the first one - how to build self-confidence and move past the self-doubt and imposter syndrome so many of us feel plagued by. I’m very grateful to the person who asked me this (thank you, you know who you are). The answer went in a direction I didn’t expect.
Self-doubt is quite a familiar place for me. When I first became aware of this tendency, like most of us, I stumbled upon various therapeutic, coaching and spiritual aids to “build self-confidence”. I don’t know how that worked out for you, but it didn’t work out at all for me.
The trouble is that when we do that, we replace one belief (a negative and unhelpful one) with another BELIEF (a more positive and constructive one). The key word here is, of course, “belief”. By definition, beliefs are not facts, neither are they an embodied truth. Because of that, wherever there is a belief (let it be positive or negative), there is also space for doubt, second-guessing, comparison, self-deflation, self-inflation and so on…But that’s not the only obstacle.
Here is the bigger obstacle: the deep-rooted beliefs we hold about ourselves are not easy to let go of or “just replace” by shinier ones, because they are consistent with our internal image of who we think we are - in other words, for most of us, our separate identity or ego. This mechanism becomes evident when the deflated identity persists despite many examples of the opposite. For instance, we may have objectively had many “proofs” in life that we are competent or loved, good enough, successful by societal standards (you name it). And yet, there is a part of us that struggles to enjoy the success, receive the love that is expressed or feel “enough”. This part stubbornly continues to whirl in the old “not good enough” swamp. If you are for a moment curious about it, you would notice that it is a "“young me” alive in us, wounded and arrested in an earlier stage of development.
What we rarely see however is that this self-doubting part of us is intelligent. The seemingly unhelpful and debilitating beliefs are not random, however absurd they may sound to others or to our rational grown up mind. They have played an important role in our survival as a young nervous system and typically protect a deep wound. In other words, they’ve played a benevolent and loving role.
To ignore these beliefs, dismiss them or simply plaster them with some other more positive beliefs is to ignore the lessons they hold for us and the possibility to heal & expand into a freer, more fulfilled and open version of ourselves. So what’s the “secret”?
The Cure for Self-Doubt is not Self-Confidence. It is compassion.
The original question you posed is “how to do move past self-doubt”? The simple answer is don’t “move past”. If anything, let your attention turn TOWARD it with curiosity. In other words, follow the pain - It will lead you to places that you may have overlooked. It will uncover cognitive mistakes that you made about your nature at a young age.
Yes, the pain of “not good enough” itself is a gift that points us within to discover first hand what is actually true for us, beyond our beliefs about ourselves or the reassurance of others. No belief would do here.
Instead of pushing the beliefs away or quickly switching to “I’ve got this”, try the opposite - invite the pain to be fully experienced without judgment or agenda. In other words, for a moment, put down all your mental attempts to convince yourself that you are indeed “good enough” and allow the fear of being “not good enough at all” to arise. It is already alive in you, so why deny its presence?
Ground down in your body and dare to face the pain of what you believe about yourself so that you can examine it directly. What if what you fear is true - you are "inadequate", "a failure", "a fraud" (or whatever words come for you)?
Notice where in the body it lives, what shape it has, what energy...Does it have a colour, a weight or any other characteristics? Allow it to be for a moment, dare not to fix it or soothe it. Be as you are. You may discover that this small surrender is already a relief.
If it feels good, you can go deeper. How old is this feeling in your body? When do you remember feeling this way for the first time? What was happening in your circumstances?
What else do you see from the perspective of a grown-up that could explain what happened (other than you not being “good enough”)? This is the cognitive mistake I mentioned above.
What did this young self need back then that she didn’t receive? What have you been giving her all this time? Are you willing to support her with what’s actually needed?
That’s all. A bit radical, but very honest and direct self-investigation. As we turn towards these old wounds, we find deep compassion for the tender parts of ourselves that never grew up. We also find love and gratitude for the mechanisms that protected us. We see first hand that the very impostor syndrome we were fighting against is actually made of love. It falls naturally when it is no longer needed to protect old wounds.
In this sense, the cure for self-doubt is not self-confidence. It is your natural wisdom and compassion that arise from seeing yourself more accurately and clearly than you did as a child.
With Love,
Iri
WHOLE: Autumn yoga & self-discovery retreat in Portugal, Oct 16 - 23
One final sport in a shared twin room left (female only)
Have you been longing for nourishment, deep healing and rest? Are you willing and ready to meet what has been avoided, heal what has been wounded and return to your natural wholeness?
Join an intimate and stunning group of 8 wise women & women space holders for a loving and carefully designed week of soulful yoga beyond asana, voice work, self-inquiry, cacao rituals and sound healing for those who are ready to shine light upon, heal and reclaim all parts of their being to return to their natural wholeness.
Online yoga and sharing circles are back in September
MindRest yoga immersions and Space of Grace circles are restarting in the first week of September for another cosy autumn and winter. I look forward to seeing you on my screen.
Space of Grace, Sep 7, 8pm BST
Space of Grace is a mixed circle for all of us, men and women, to come together with no definitions and be as we naturally are. Join me every second Wednesday evening at 8pm UK. Share if you like or not. Donate if you like or not - this space is open to everyone.
MindRest: Harvest, Sep 11, 5pm BST
MindRest on Zoom is a soulful immersion of yoga, self-inquiry and sweet yoga nidra at the end of our weekends, accompanied by a beautiful playlist. For the 4th year in a row, we restart in September with 5 sessions dedicated to the time of harvest in nature and in ourselves. Join me on the mat every Sunday at 5m UK on zoom. Drop-in £12 or a pack of 5 sessions + their recordings for £40
1:1 MiST Sessions - Meet in Silent Truth
These sessions are a mix of self-inquiry and trauma-informed therapeutic skills, but most importantly, they are rooted in silent loving Presence. This simply (but powerfully) means meeting you with a quiet mind and an open heart - being a mirror without agenda, without opinion, without judgement. I have found time and time again that this open meeting has a deeply healing effect and leaves space for you to see your own beautiful reflection. It is the greatest gift I ever received and I am so honoured to extend the invitation to you.
Upcoming Events
With Love and Gratitude,
Iri